Drowning

I haven’t been this low for awhile.  It’s amazing to think that just 6 months ago I wasn’t depressed at all, and now I’m right back in the thick of it.

My job is taking over my life.  It’s so hard because I really like my job, for the first time in a long time.  Things were going really well in that area of my life.  I enjoy the work I do.  My supervisor seems to think I’m doing a decent job (which is huge for me).  But, we’re short-staffed right now, and all this extra work keeps landing on me.  I can’t take time off because I don’t have a backup for some of my work (not that I want to be at home anyway, cause I’ll just be home alone and, for me, alone = anxiety/panic attacks).  I can never make plans on weeknights, because I never know when I’m going to get stuck working late.  And the commute is sucking the soul out of me.

And for what?  I keep getting passed over for promotions (the few that I would even be eligible for).  I barely make enough to pay the bills every month.  And when I do splurge on something fun every once in a while – opera tickets, concert tickets, knitting class, etc –  I end up having to miss out because of work, or I’m stressed out of my mind trying to make it to the event on time, because of – you guessed it – work.

So far, I’ve cut reading, online dating (or dating of any kind), my Italian lessons, playing guitar, cooking, and exercise (and probably more that I can’t think of right now) out of my life to make room for my job.  I don’t know how much more I can give.  I’m lonely (so incredibly lonely) and tired and stressed and angry and sad and anxious and fearful and sick and discouraged.

And I’m sick and tired of people telling me to let them know if they can help me.  Quit asking how you can help, and just HELP!  Do something, anything!  I don’t have the time or energy to give you direction.  Be present in my life, and when you observe something that needs doing – do it!

I’m drowning and I’ve come to the conclusion that no one can help me.  Family, friends, even God – all are useless to me at this point.  I’ve always relied heavily on my faith to get me through tough times, but I am sick of praying to someone who either can’t or won’t help me.  This past week, the moment when I decided to leave faith behind, I felt such a burden lift from my shoulders.  Even though the depression and despair were still with me, I still felt the relief of having one less area of my life to worry about.  One less thing to feel guilty about neglecting.  I guess you can add faith to the list of things I’ve cut out of my life.

I honestly don’t know what’s going to become of me in the upcoming months.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace at work.  I don’t know where I’ll be living in a matter of months (I’m essentially being forced out of my current living situation), or how I’ll find the energy and time to even look for a new place to live, let alone move. I don’t know how much longer my friends and family will still want to have anything to do with me, when I can’t give them the basic attention and time and positivity loved ones deserve.  I have nothing to hold onto anymore.  “Darkness is my closest friend.”